It’s Halloween today, and even though I’m against celebrating it in Norway, it’s still an opportunity to use one of my Halloween icons. I actually do like parts of it, it’s a nice day for scary movies and candlelights. I just don’t like that the only reason we’re celebrating it is because the shops think it is a good idea. All if a sudden we have got to use a lot of money on costumes and candy for kids, and most of them haven’t even got a clue what the day is about. They don’t even bother to dress up, they just go around to people’s houses and beg for candy on a random day near the end of october. And it doesn’t work very well, because most people over the age of twenty doesn’t give a damn anyway, and haven’t got anything else than apples and oranges to give away.

Can’t kids go “julebukk” instead, which is a Norwegian tradition? It much nicer also, to earn candy by singing christmas songs, than to threaten people with “tricks”. Well, at least the kids should learn how Halloween should be celebrated if we absolutely have to do it.

Enough about that. I’m not doing that well lately, I guess it’s because winter is coming and it’s getting darker outside. I’m tired all the time, and I really have a hard time concentrating on my studies. Anders is really great about it, I’m just afraid I’m wearing him out. But I really need him now, so this weekend I made him go see a girl flick with me, “The Devil Wears Prada”. He pretended he didn’t like it, he was sighing loudly halfway through the film. But I could sense he liked it more and more, and he seemed quite thoughtful when we were going home. Maybe my taste in movies isn’t that bad after all? I will try to drag him to more movies, it is a great way to have fun, and stop worrying about everything for a while.

OMG, I hate drunk people when I’m sober. Especially those who doesn’t care about rules, and think they can talk us into letting them into the private areas at Samfundet. “I was a member 10 years ago, and I just want to see how they’re doing now.” is a classic, and as usual the person also tries to get in with alcohol. And there is about hundred people every night who doesn’t even know what the private areas are, and just tries to sneak in to see. And there are endless discussions with people who forgot their card at home, or upstairs, or who comes after 12 and wants to bring someone in, even though they know they’re not allowed. Well, at least this is the last time I sit here, I will be retired after new year.

This weekend Anders and I have celebrated our 2 year anniversary. On Friday he made dinner for me, and he lit 24 candlelights, one for each month we have been together. We drank wine with the food, and afterwards we drank a bottle of champagne. We watched some TV, and then we went to bed. We forgot all about the dessert. That was probably a good thing, because we had to get up early next morning. Anders had packed a backpack for each of us, and I wasn’t allowed to look inside it. Then we wen’t outside, and he tried to fool me into thinking we were going to take the bus to the airport. Then he said we were going to the trainstation, and lastly he claimed we were taking a boat somewhere. But we ended up at Pirbadet, and spent a couple of hours there. Anders has of course no clue what a girl needs after being in a swimming pool, so he hadn’t packed shampoo, conditioner or a hairbrush. My hair looked terrible all day.

Afterwards we went to the library, the perfumery, the wine monopoly, and the grocery store. I was completely exhausted, and fell asleep when we got home. Then we went to Anders mother for dinner with grandparents, aunts and uncles etc. I think we slept for at least 12 hours tonight.

Today we’re writing essays, mine has got to be about 1 page long, and his has got to be bout ten pages long. So I’m almost done, while he sits there and sighs loudly.

Yesterday we had dinner with ITK, and then we went to the Ralph Myerz concert at Samfundet. I got pretty drunk, and managed to stumble and fall in the middle of Storsalen. My knees are completely blue. Other than that, it was a very fun evening.

Today Anders is in Oslo, and has managed to be elected leader of FRISK (Fri programvare i skolen or “free software in the schools”). I’m not very happy about that, since his spare time is already quite limited.

This weekend I went to my family’s cabin in Rondane, together with my father, aunt, uncle, grandmother and grandfather. Anders couldn’t come, as usual :-/ Besides that, it was fun, and I bet I gained a kilo from my grandmother’s cooking.

On Tuesday, Anders gave me a rose, because this tuesday for two years ago we went on our first date. Next friday we’re celebrating our second anniversary. Anders has planned something, but I have no idea what it is.

Other than that not much is happening, I am quite tired these days, probably because of less daylight.

A week ago or so, Anders had a bad dream too. We were lying in bed, I was reading a magazine and he had fallen asleep. Suddenly he turns to me and says with terror in his voice “What are you doing?” I looked at him quizzically “Uhm… nothing?” Anders says “Oh, I thought you were cutting of my leg and trying to sell it for a good price.”, and then turns around a goes to sleep again.

I just woke up from a terrible nightmare. I dreamt that everything around me is a lie, the man I love was completely different from what I thought. He didn’t even look like himself, he looked evil. He had been cheating on me from the beginning of our relationship, and everytime he told me that he loved me, it was a lie. And I got my dad (who looked nothing like my dad) to throw him out in the snowstorm, because I couldn’t let him be in my life for one minute longer.

Of course, I don’t believe this dream. The moment I wake up I almost started crying with relief, because he laid there beside me (snoring), holding his arm around me, and I could feel his love for me. This dream was just my sick, twisted mind’s attempt to scare me from my wits the moments I can’t control what it is doing.

But it got me thinking, about how much of my life that is based on this thing that nobody can see. Because I’m not standing on firm ground anymore, I’m floating around on a pink, fluffy cloud, and I’m happy up there, but were I ever to fall, it would be many hundred meters down, and the landing would be hard, cold and lonely.

This thing is small in a way, because it’s only a feeling, but big in the way that it is all consuming and the only thing worth living for. I didn’t realise it when it came, because it was slow and unoticable, it sneaked up on me, and that is probably a good thing. For had I noticed when my feet left the ground, I might have panicked, I might not have dared to let it happen. But now that I’m floating up here, I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. Because I don’t doubt for a moment that it is there, all around me, holding me up and protecting me.

Knowing that you love somebody is the easy part. This too can be difficult at first, to admit it to yourself, but once you have, at least you know that it is there. That somebody else loves you back, you just have to trust. The problem is knowing that people trust all the time, and are proved terribly wrong. The trick is to not just trust the other person, you have to trust what you feel yourself. Because I can feel it around me everytime I look in his eyes, everytime he smiles at me, everytime his arms are holding me thight…