Well, I am not angry anymore. There is as usual two sides to every story. Anders is trying very hard to give up some of all the things he has been doing in many years before he met me. I’m not good at telling him what I want/need, and then I get irritated because he can’t read my mind after thinking something for a while, and then I end up getting more angry than I ever meant. I miss him so much when I am here and feel like I have a whole part of my life that he doesn’t know anything about. It’s not easy for him to become a part of it, because it’s not a very big part anymore, it just used to be, a long time ago. Anders is everything I ever wanted the man I am going to spend the rest of my life with to be. I spent a long time looking for, and finding, all the wrong things, but now I know that finally everything is right. It’s just not easy merging two lives together, and it’s bound to have it’s ups and downs, especially when we’re both stubborn and opinionated. (Sorry, darling.)

Anders and I got into a huge discussion last night. I was way too drunk to have the discussion we had, and everything got blown out of proportions. That being said, I still think he was the one being irrational. I was sad about being asked a hundred times where my boyfriend is, or my “so-called” boyfriend, because nobody has ever met him. In Anders mind that means 1. that I don’t love him, 2. that I’m going to break up with him if he ever goes to a computer party again, and 3. that I feel that he has to stop seing half of his friends.
My point is that I think him spending more than half of his vacation time with 15 year olds at computer parties is a bit much. He’s the one complaining about feeling old, and that might be one of the reasons. Most of his friends, at least those at his own age, prefers spending their vacations with their girlfriends.
Anders feels that I should be content with the extra time he takes off work to spend with me. But that is not what I want. I want to be the first priority in his vacations, and if he wants to take extra time off work to go to a computer party once in a while, I’m OK with that. I don’t want to feel privileged because I actually get to spend some time with him.

In addition to that, the few times Anders actually is here, he don’t want to go anywhere, because apparently everybody from Røros is uncivilized farmers who beat up everybody from cities. And if I want to him to go out here, it’s my fault if he ends up being beaten to death. I think that is a very hurtful thing to say, because I’m actually from here too, you know. And if he can’t even go out when he is not in Trondheim without getting in a fight for provoking someone, I think he is the one being uncivilized.

So am I the one being irriational and selfish? Or do I actually have a point?

My life has been very boring lately, so there hasn’t been much to write about. I’m slowly getting well from everything that was wrong with me, in addition to the pneumonia I’ve had a urinary tract infection and back ache. I went to Røros on Sunday, and my brother, who is a physiotherapist, could at least help me with my back. I’m mostly inside still, I’m not supposed to strain myself, or breathe too much cold air, so I changed my mind about going to my family’s cabin in Rondane with Joakim and Marit yesterday. I’m now on my way to Hamar to visit Anders at TG. So far easter have been spent finally getting Windows on my laptop up and running again, to Anders’ great dismay. I bet he planted a Trojan on it on purpose to make me use Linux. But I love finally being able to play all the games I want to and watching web-TV. Tuesday my friend Marit visited, and we and my mother drank “some” wine, and Marit and I stayed up until 4 talking. She’s got guy problems that I won’t get into here.

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It’s not easy to make life decisions. But in my mind sometimes it is. I have a few principles I always follow, all though they are getting fewer as I get older. Some of them are: I don’t lie and I don’t cheat. And I don’t trust people who do. I’ve probably been watching too much Oprah, but one thing that has stuck in my mind is: people will always tell you who they are, if you let them (or something like that). A guy (or a girl I guess, but that doesn’t affect me much) who will cheat on someone else to be with you, is at least capable of cheating on you too. Guys who are saying things like “I don’t want to hurt her” are full of bullshit. Because that is exactly what they’re doing. He can’t possibly hurt her more than by being unfaithful. So why is he doing it? There could be a number of reasons, but all of them are pretty much bad. It could be he is a coward, and just can’t bring himself to break up with his girlfriend. It could be that he wants to be sure that the new girl he met really will be together with him before he dumps the old one, so he doesn’t risk ending up alone. It could be that he just can’t make up his mind. Or it could be that he’s just a cheating bastard. Either way, to me it seems that this is a guy no girl would want in her life. It is of course easy to say, since I’ve never been in the situation. Then this girl says “But he isn’t like that! He is sweet and cute and kind and interesting and blah blah.” Of course he is like that! That is exactly what he’s like! This is what he is doing! Actions speak louder than words (yeah, too much Oprah again). Then again, who am I to pass jugdement on cheating men everywhere. They couldn’t possibly all be evil. And sometimes people make mistakes. But now you don’t really make mistakes for months, do you? When this takes place over some time, the guy must know what he is doing. He must know that it’s wrong and hurtful (if not he would be a sociopath, and that’s a completely different story). Of course it isn’t easy to end a relationship that has been going on for what maybe years. But life isn’t supposed to be easy, is it? Either you want to be with your girlfriend, and then you don’t cheat, or you don’t and then you break up. Before you go after someone else.

A few years ago I knew this guy, and had a small fling with him. It wasn’t anything big, but he did things that he shouldn’t if he was in a relationship. Then one month later, he had a fling with a friend of mine. That wasn’t quite so innocent, but it didn’t last. Then he flirted with me again, and where supposed to meet up at this party/thing a week or so later. He never showed up, and I met a guy who is now my ex (also a cheating bastard), and I didn’t have anymore contact with this guy. Then, one year later, I was at party and talked to a girl who turned out to be his girlfriend. And I realised they got togheter before I met him. I was of course quite drunk, and ended up telling her the whole story. She ran home to talk to him (they were/are living together), and I talked to a friend of hers. She told me that when the two of them got togheter, he was together with someone else, and they were cheating on her for months. This guy is very charming, handsome and fun to be around. I probably would have fallen for him myself if I had the chance, because he was the type of guy I always fell for before. The kind you can’t really trust, but you fool yourself to think you can.

I don’t know what the morale of the story is supposed to be. Once a cheater, always a cheater, or something. I’m at least happy to have dicovered that you can fall for someone you think is not your type, who makes me feel secure in stead of always being uncertain. I think getting involved with a guy who’s taken, probably isn’t worth the heart ache. I don’t know if I always make the right choices, for instance if it’s right for me to tell a girl I don’t even know that her boyfriend has been cheating on her. If it was me, I would’ve wanted someone to tell me. But then it feels strange that something you say to someone can change their whole life. For them it didn’t, last I heard they were still together, all though she had become quite paranoid as to what he was up to. But if they had split up I would have been wondering hard if I really did the right thing. And it isn’t like it was a well considered decision I made. I was just drunk and talked to much, like I often do. I don’t know if I had said anything, had I been sober.Well, at least people know where I’m at. I generally can’t be bothered to hide my feelings and opinions. And I shouldn’t have to, if other people can’t cover their tracks well enough, that isn’t my problem. Needless to say, I kinda suck at secrets.

Anders’ is having his birthday party today, he is 25 years old in a week (and he is having a crisis because of it). Anders and I were at Samfundet yesterday, it was the beer festival, and we had fun. Today we have been at Anders’ grandparents, and now we have the apartment full of guests, and I’m finally quite well, I’m still coughing, but it’s not so bad. I’m not drinking much, mixing cough syrup and alcohol probably isn’t a good idea. We’re going to London in May, and life is looking a bit better. Going back now, even though I’m very tired. I’m not supposed to strain myself too much, but it’s not easy after spending most of the last three weeks in bed.